Hanna's head comes up, staring at Kahl as he explains something to him that he hadn't been able to put into words, tangled up with how he'd been angry at John, perhaps more so because it felt like a gut punch after the first one of opening that door to Sheehan and what would be Arthur dead on the floor.
"That...that makes sense." He says slowly, his hands under his thighs bouncing his legs up and down as he thinks about it, the movement helping him think and process. "If he knew who Sheehan was, then he should know who he was. Shooting him specifically was... its like purposefully shooting Aerith, it's meant to piss people off. It's...unnecessary violence for the sole purpose of doing the most harm with the least amount of effort." And in his mind if you wanted to hurt people, you shouldnt be fucking lazy about it.
There should be something serious driving that, some ammount of respect or reason, and he cant find it.
"Maybe there is a contradiction, and maybe there isn't. And the real question is, does it bother you, if there is? Does thinking on it help you know what you want?"
"To be completely honest it makes my hear and my heart hurt." Especially since hes been thinking about it since it happened, being more quiet and tucked away because he doesnt want to be a bummer, or get mad at someone who doesn't deserve it. Its so easy to do when he's like this.
"I just want to go back to who I was and how I felt before this happened but thats impossible...and wouldn't get me what I wanted in the first place."
It's a simple enough clarification, but Hanna doesnt exactly want to explain it. He knows it's stupid.
"Well, not that- I mean..." he stumbles over it a moment before sitting back and letting his head tilts so he's staring up at the ceiling. "I want to be a good person, to be there for people I care about, not let them down by being late enough that I'm useless, or have these negative thoughts about people when I'm supposed to be neutral. None of it feels right and even if this never happened, something like this would have and I'd disappoint myself all over again."
Kahl doesn't think that it's stupid. He thinks it is the crux of many things. He flutters to the top of the pew between them as a sharp-beaked black-and-white bird, then jumps down to the seat beside Hanna as the ginger cat he intended the sardines for. He leans his warm little weight against Hanna's arm.
"That's a lot of different things to want," he says, patient and factual and steady in a way that ends up going the long way around to gentleness. "You have to have negative thoughts to be a good person, because if you don't ever have any negative thoughts, you probably aren't a person. And who decided you're supposed to be neutral?"
Hanna lifts his head just enough that he can see Kahl curling up against his arm. He's not a monster, so of course he puts his arm around him, gently petting his little head if he doesnt seem bothered by it.
"I did. It's...my job, you know? I can't be a good mediator if I hold grudges. I work with people who do shit I dont agree with all the time, but its not my place to judge them for that...I help when they need it. That's it, it's like my purpose, That's- that's why I'm still here." Here as in alive, but it isnt something he talks about lightly. He's told Vincent, sure though he hadn't quite liked it when he brought it up the last time. But despite graduating and finding some self worth to twist his purpose into something less harmful, the base of that is still there.
"Maybe it's different, but it's still true. You can't do that for them. And that's alright, because you lots of other things for them. For the Cat King because you have a duty to him, and for Vincent because you have made promises to each other. You owe them more than neutrality. But what do you owe the Eleven?"
Kahl is very concerned about what is owed.
"In your duty to the Admiral, perhaps you owe it not to abuse him. But does neutrality require blindness? Require that you not judge him by his actions? By his own statements?"
Hanna does think that he does owe The Eleven kindness, but... perhaps he's right. He's thinking about it too hard, imagining that he needs to give move than he has to because thats just what he's always done.
"If he were my inmate, maybe a little more than kindness, but... I suppose thats true."
Kahl blinks, in a cat's way; if he were human, he would nod.
"Yes; in that case, you would owe it to him to put your personal feelings aside. But he isn't. He is not your inmate, nor your friend, nor has he even asked you for neutrality, even though you feel like you owe it to everyone. He is here on the barge with you, but you do not even owe him what you would owe to a neighbor, because he has not been a neighbor to you, and reciprocity matters, in these things. You have three choices, Hanna Falk Cross, but you do not owe him anything; you should choose based upon what you can live with."
Being of the mind that you should kill people with kindness, he isnt sure he agrees about reciprocity being a factor, but he does get it, that he has something to actually think about rather than this big, amorphous thing that has been bothering him without much want or ability to choose a direction to point himself.
"Three choices?" Sorry Kahl but Hanna might be clever but he's never been accused of being especially smart.
It matters to neighborliness; it matters to what is owed by that claim. Hanna's preferences and tactics are his own lookout. Kahl doesn't mind explaining; it is part of his role, he is starting to understand, to make clear the forks in the road.
"First, you can continue to hold your grudge. You can follow curse upon curse, heap aggravation upon aggravation, seeking satisfaction in pettiness, forbidden as you are by the Admiral, and prevented by your own ignorance of The Eleven's inner heart, from visiting true cruelty upon him. It is unlikely that you will never be able to hurt him in the same way you were hurt, if only because he has no one in his life whom he loves in the way you have loved his victims. Even if you were inclined to this path - and you have told me you are not - I think it would only frustrate you."
Kahl settles his front paws and little cat chin on Hanna's leg.
"Secondly, you could put it all aside. You could seek the understanding, the answers that elude you. You could go to him, and truly listen, as patiently as it takes, to understand truly why he has done this thing, why it is his long habit to do things just like this. I think that would be difficult for you. The understanding itself, even more than the patience or the forgiveness. His reasons are very alien to your way of thinking. But you could choose, honestly, to try.
"This, I think, is the person some part of you wants to be. But you are also angry, and you hate him, and you feel those things because of the kind of good person you already are. Because of your loyal heart. Because you are devoted to making the world better, and you see how his actions accomplish nothing but to make it worse. And that is not a bad person to be."
Hanna would like to think that he has the patience for the second option, doesnt think that the first is sustainable even if he feels like it would be satisfying to stay on for at least a little bit longer. He might feel bad about it, but it wouldnt really change anything.
"Thirdly, there is this smaller, simpler revenge: to decide that he has forfeited the chance of your goodwill. A gift you offer freely, no matter what anyone has done before we come here. A gift he did not believe in, want, or notice, and would have chosen to spurn if he had. You have your answer, and you are not obliged to offer it endlessly. You may hate him, but you need not dwell on hating him. You may simply decide that your pain, your anger, your helplessness, your friends' suffering - he did not think there was any cost to him, to cause this. But you are the cost."
Kahl's eyes are very bright and very green in the dimness of the chapel; there is a low thrum under his voice, something like a purr but perhaps more like distant thunder.
"You are extraordinary, Hanna Falk Cross, in your ability to listen, even to creatures wholly different from yourself. In your ability to accept people as they are, no matter how strange, to offer kindness and fairness as well as you can see it. In your ability to be...friendly, even to creatures who have never had a friend, and do not know how it is done, no matter how grand and terrible, or prickly and strange. I know this, from the way you have spoken to me.
"He is...very like me, in some ways. Perhaps you could have been a friend to him. But now he will never know. You do not need to hurt him. His life has already been filled with pain, and there is pain in store for him yet. You do not need to make more. That is not what you wish to do with your life. There are others here, who will help him, and who may one day befriend him. But you will never be one of them. The consequences of his own actions, upon his own head."
It isnt often that Hanna is left speechless, staring down at the green-eyed god in his lap, the hand that had been petting him still on his back.
And perhaps its a testament to how far he's gotten since his graduation and the acceptance but lack of practice in putting himself up higher on the shelf that he isn't immediately rejecting the idea that the loss of him is a cost anyone would care about.
But then, he cares about it, and the god who chose and was chosen by someone he cares deeply about can see who he is and explain it far more eloquently than he ever could.
"U-um...Thanks. I-" now he's flustered, unsure what to say.
The Eleven won't care, won't ever know to care, in all likelihood. But it will still be a loss for him. And it will do Hanna good, to practice knowing it for himself.
"None of the paths are entirely without sacrifices. But those are your choices. If you wish to remain here for a time, and think on them, I will stay with you."
He doesn't need to say anything, if speaking is difficult. Kahl is a cat, after all. He knows how to sit in silence with someone.
Hanna's hand starts to pet down his back again, finding himself becoming more of a cat person despite his own dog person energy. When you're surrounded by cats, he supposes it makes sense.
"I think I will, for a little bit. Do you like Queen?" He asks, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his Zune, setting one earbud in and leaving the other hanging in his lap close to Kahl as he scrolls through his library.
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Re: Chapel
"That...that makes sense." He says slowly, his hands under his thighs bouncing his legs up and down as he thinks about it, the movement helping him think and process. "If he knew who Sheehan was, then he should know who he was. Shooting him specifically was... its like purposefully shooting Aerith, it's meant to piss people off. It's...unnecessary violence for the sole purpose of doing the most harm with the least amount of effort." And in his mind if you wanted to hurt people, you shouldnt be fucking lazy about it.
There should be something serious driving that, some ammount of respect or reason, and he cant find it.
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"I just want to go back to who I was and how I felt before this happened but thats impossible...and wouldn't get me what I wanted in the first place."
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"Well, not that- I mean..." he stumbles over it a moment before sitting back and letting his head tilts so he's staring up at the ceiling. "I want to be a good person, to be there for people I care about, not let them down by being late enough that I'm useless, or have these negative thoughts about people when I'm supposed to be neutral. None of it feels right and even if this never happened, something like this would have and I'd disappoint myself all over again."
Re: Chapel
"That's a lot of different things to want," he says, patient and factual and steady in a way that ends up going the long way around to gentleness. "You have to have negative thoughts to be a good person, because if you don't ever have any negative thoughts, you probably aren't a person. And who decided you're supposed to be neutral?"
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"I did. It's...my job, you know? I can't be a good mediator if I hold grudges. I work with people who do shit I dont agree with all the time, but its not my place to judge them for that...I help when they need it. That's it, it's like my purpose, That's- that's why I'm still here." Here as in alive, but it isnt something he talks about lightly. He's told Vincent, sure though he hadn't quite liked it when he brought it up the last time. But despite graduating and finding some self worth to twist his purpose into something less harmful, the base of that is still there.
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"Is it a job you have to do for everyone? Could you mediate for Vincent and the Cat King? You aren't neutral on either of them."
There are more ways to not be neutral than holding grudges, than the thing he wants to condemn himself for.
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Kahl is very concerned about what is owed.
"In your duty to the Admiral, perhaps you owe it not to abuse him. But does neutrality require blindness? Require that you not judge him by his actions? By his own statements?"
Re: Chapel
"If he were my inmate, maybe a little more than kindness, but... I suppose thats true."
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"Yes; in that case, you would owe it to him to put your personal feelings aside. But he isn't. He is not your inmate, nor your friend, nor has he even asked you for neutrality, even though you feel like you owe it to everyone. He is here on the barge with you, but you do not even owe him what you would owe to a neighbor, because he has not been a neighbor to you, and reciprocity matters, in these things. You have three choices, Hanna Falk Cross, but you do not owe him anything; you should choose based upon what you can live with."
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"Three choices?" Sorry Kahl but Hanna might be clever but he's never been accused of being especially smart.
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"First, you can continue to hold your grudge. You can follow curse upon curse, heap aggravation upon aggravation, seeking satisfaction in pettiness, forbidden as you are by the Admiral, and prevented by your own ignorance of The Eleven's inner heart, from visiting true cruelty upon him. It is unlikely that you will never be able to hurt him in the same way you were hurt, if only because he has no one in his life whom he loves in the way you have loved his victims. Even if you were inclined to this path - and you have told me you are not - I think it would only frustrate you."
Kahl settles his front paws and little cat chin on Hanna's leg.
"Secondly, you could put it all aside. You could seek the understanding, the answers that elude you. You could go to him, and truly listen, as patiently as it takes, to understand truly why he has done this thing, why it is his long habit to do things just like this. I think that would be difficult for you. The understanding itself, even more than the patience or the forgiveness. His reasons are very alien to your way of thinking. But you could choose, honestly, to try.
"This, I think, is the person some part of you wants to be. But you are also angry, and you hate him, and you feel those things because of the kind of good person you already are. Because of your loyal heart. Because you are devoted to making the world better, and you see how his actions accomplish nothing but to make it worse. And that is not a bad person to be."
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"Alright... so then what's the third option?"
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Kahl's eyes are very bright and very green in the dimness of the chapel; there is a low thrum under his voice, something like a purr but perhaps more like distant thunder.
"You are extraordinary, Hanna Falk Cross, in your ability to listen, even to creatures wholly different from yourself. In your ability to accept people as they are, no matter how strange, to offer kindness and fairness as well as you can see it. In your ability to be...friendly, even to creatures who have never had a friend, and do not know how it is done, no matter how grand and terrible, or prickly and strange. I know this, from the way you have spoken to me.
"He is...very like me, in some ways. Perhaps you could have been a friend to him. But now he will never know. You do not need to hurt him. His life has already been filled with pain, and there is pain in store for him yet. You do not need to make more. That is not what you wish to do with your life. There are others here, who will help him, and who may one day befriend him. But you will never be one of them. The consequences of his own actions, upon his own head."
And what could be more neutral than that?
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And perhaps its a testament to how far he's gotten since his graduation and the acceptance but lack of practice in putting himself up higher on the shelf that he isn't immediately rejecting the idea that the loss of him is a cost anyone would care about.
But then, he cares about it, and the god who chose and was chosen by someone he cares deeply about can see who he is and explain it far more eloquently than he ever could.
"U-um...Thanks. I-" now he's flustered, unsure what to say.
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"None of the paths are entirely without sacrifices. But those are your choices. If you wish to remain here for a time, and think on them, I will stay with you."
He doesn't need to say anything, if speaking is difficult. Kahl is a cat, after all. He knows how to sit in silence with someone.
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"I think I will, for a little bit. Do you like Queen?" He asks, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his Zune, setting one earbud in and leaving the other hanging in his lap close to Kahl as he scrolls through his library.
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He takes in a deep breath as it starts and melts into the pew, head back and petting Kahl.
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